Parenting Through Transition to Middle School
Why is the transition from elementary school to middle school tough for a lot of kids? Is it because they are all starting puberty, peer pressure, the change? A mix of everything?
Pre-adolescence is a time of immense physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development. This is potentially a wonderful phase full of blindly robust confidence, total adherence to all things peer-related, and sweet sensitivity. However, as a culture, we do not readily appreciate the perfectly imperfect experience of our tweens. In my practice with parents, we explore internalized messages of worth from their teen years that make it difficult to parent from a place of clear head and heart.
To this end, I recommend the work of Dan Seigel and his book entitled “Brainstorm.” He outlines a new conceptualization of adolescence that includes four aspects for healthy development, “emotional spark, social engagement, novelty-seeking, and creative exploration.” Seigel challenges adults to assess the presence or absence of these four qualities in our own lives and wonders if our life satisfaction influences our ability to parent our teens and tweens.
Video: Dan Seigel "Essence of Adolescence"
Physically, girls are beginning puberty at the early end of this timeframe (around 9-12) and boys following (around 11-13). You may notice your child becoming more aware of their body and perhaps self-conscious. Tweens need real answers to their questions about puberty and real information about their bodies. A great resource is a book entitled, “Will Puberty Last My Whole Life?” by Metzger and Lehman.
Cognitively kids are shifting from being completely self-absorbed to becoming aware of the world around them. What was once carefree existence becomes a cautious existence where they perceive everyone to be watching and judging them. Tweens are also expected to manage their learning in new ways in middle school, which is a stretch for most kids. They need to learn how to work with multiple teachers, assignments, and other educational responsibilities.
Socially and emotionally pre-adolescents are exploring their self-identity, gender roles, social cliques, and a growing desire for independence. Anxiety about the transition to a new, usually larger, school and growing student body are sources of anxiety for tweens as they enter middle school.
What are some signs parents can look for to make sure their child is or isn't adjusting well?
I encourage parents to look beyond the struggling grades, resisting of school, misbehavior or a bad attitude to see what their child may be experiencing. Teens and tweens I see in my practice are dealing with divorce, blended families, sports pressures, giftedness, bullying, identity formation, anxiety, and learning emotional intelligence. If you are concerned about your child, talk with their teachers, get to know the parents of their friends, ask them what’s difficult, and seek professional support from a therapist when you need help.
How can parents support their children if they are struggling?
Parents of young teens are figuring out how to stay connected to their kids despite apparent rejection. In my practice, I remind parents that their child’s assertion of self (i.e. actions and choices not in accordance with family values) is developmentally appropriate. Children need parental love, support, and trust as they explore who they are becoming in this world.
For our younger teens, this journey has begun. As kids enter middle school support and guidance is less about control and more about experiencing a modicum of success and failure in their decision making. Over the course of a few years, this experience better enables them to handle more complicated situations and choices as they are presented.
Keep your child close especially in these early years. Ask your child what they are interested in and follow their lead. Find ways to spend time together as a family by playing games, exploring local trails or beaches, learn new skills together such as horseback riding or archery, cook and eat meals together.
Listen by asking open-ended questions such as “Who did you work with today?” “What shows are you watching?” “What’s the most embarrassing thing I do?” “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” Remember this journey through adolescence is about self-discovery.
Trust your child has internalized the values you offered in those early years…being honest, caring, considerate etc. Be curious about how they see themselves and understand the world around them.
Model confidence by taking care of yourself and choosing to authentically relate to people and situations around you. Model feeling good about your body’s abilities, which promotes positive self-image and confidence. Your pre-teen wants to fit in and is looking for examples of how you do that.
Explore your interests and attend to the non-parent parts of yourself.
Don’t feel rejected remember it is developmentally appropriate for your child to turn away from you.